Got banned for posting this on the SWTOR forums...
Watch: http://www.gametrailers.com/video/e3-2011-return-opening-cinematic/714890?xrs=playershare_fb
I had 400 hits in 2 hours and 90 replies. Kids got trolled hard.
Wow I can't believe the hype this trailer is getting, I'm totally impressed with the quantity and quality of the complements it's getting. To bad most of you are hypocrites.
Saying "Wow this is so much better than the prequels." And "They should make a movie."
I was irate yesterday when I first saw it, but now I'm dumbfounded as to how no one else has managed to see what a pile of shit this is.
First off lets define why the prequels sucked, I think most everyone agrees to: Bad acting, terrible plot, flimsy characters, Shameless reliance on CGI to drive the movie. The reason is because I'm about to point out how you are all getting duped into watching the flashy bits while Lucas sneaks up behind you for a quicky.
Lets begin:
First of all, I was hoping for a bit more than Red Dead Republic, but apparently John Marston found a "Spacy Thingy" and glued it to his hat for this futuristic role. What the fuck is that thing anyway?
Ok now on to real plot problems.
We start out immediately with arguably 4 playable character types from the "light" side. Cool. Way to throw us right into the mix, with some rich dialog... Oh wait.
1. Satile senses the dark side first? She doesn't take the lead speaking role, so clearly she doesn't appear to be in charge. If this is the case... Why didn't the first Jedi sense it? Did they just want to give her lines? CHRIST ON A CRACKER this is stupid.(I admit this could be the only part i'm wrong about but i have evidence she is the apprentice.)
-@ 3:30 she calls him "Master"
-She sucks it up during the fight scene
-She's a woman
Clearly (we'll call the other jedi "Master") Master Jedi sucks the big one at detecting disturbances in the force. Something that is mastered with practice and is not inherit.
2. So then it's time for master to redeem himself with the delivery of the news that the sith are back. Wait half a second ago he had no idea what was going on. Now he's suddenly on top of things? Why make him look incompetent in the first place? Jesus.
3. Ok suppose you overlook this small hiccup in the flow of dialogue... No big deal. Right? Don't worry the Trooper never fails to deliver shit sandwiches like this: "We can't out run those fighters!" MY GOD! This man is a master physicist! In under 3 seconds he can determine the max velocity of space crafts JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM! Even more impressive is that no one has seen hide nor hair of the sith for 1k years, so this can't be something he would have learned prior. GET THIS MAN A MEDAL!
4. Adding to my need for a lobotomy, the smug Han sol... Er Smuggler Chimes in with an earth shattering conclusion to rival the award winning physics genius beside him. "YEAH WELL MINES FASTER! " ..... I want to vomit.
So we're 10 seconds in and already i can smell Lucas' love stains all over this.
5. So some stupid shit happens and they're running for Marston's ship when suddenly I hear "Look out!" and I take full awareness of the scene just played out before me. This line is usually delivered right before someone dives in to push someone out of the way of being shot, chuck norris is a fan of this one i believe. So anyway in this scene apparently The binoculars on the smugglers hat allow him to see through walls or some shit and see a grenade coming at the troopers. The funny part is that the grenade is coming from in front of them... What are they to stupid to know what it is? Does he have to say something or else they'll die? How did they become troopers anyway? What a pile.
6. SLOWMO!@ 1:50 really shows off sleek design and polished production of this.... FUCK that Why is he wearing a duster? Dusters were meant to keep your clothes clean on the trail. Does he have a lot of dust and no maid on his ship? Maybe he just thinks it's cool to be a moron? OOOOOOO Spining shot! hope that's an ability in game cause that would be... Terrible.
7. So finally they get to the ship in the hanger and it's fucked apparently... Or wait... maybe not? Smugglers reaction is either 1. Over exasperation commonly wielded by teenage girls. 2. His ship is actually FUBAR. Either way, his next line tells us that there is actually nothing wrong with the ship, and he doesn't mind getting it scuffed up when he needs too. Bioware you have failed me for the last time.
8. Next we see the smuggler on board the ship running for the bridge to Get the F out. We learned earlier that his ship has been impounded and he's under arrest for smuggling. WHY then are his droids still on board going about routine maintenance? Ready at a moments notice to arm the ships weapons systems? Far to trusting, the Republic has become.
I'm getting way to tired to point out every moment of cheese in the 2v2 Saber fight
HOWEVER!
9.The saber throw in the middle of the fight? REALLY!? What if Malgus doesn't duck? WOOPS!.... wait... what the... JESUS IN A HOUSE DRESS! Malgus can be seen waiting for the saber to RETURN!!!... WHAT?! Is it common courtesy not to stab someone when their saber is BRB status? KILL HIM YOU NANCY! BTW Satile is horrible, so is every other female Jedi... EVER!
10.@3:20 Sith master Force lightnings the side of the Smugglers ship in desperation apparently? Camera pans... TROOPER IN THE OPEN!? WTF? why didn't he hit that smug fuck? jesus is he blind? Then the trooper shoots him? OMG NO he didn't... Then both sith just stand there? WHAT! I swear to god I will reach into the internet to break that troopers neck myself.
11. 3:28 Break time. Get some coffee and 'couragement. As much as I hate seeing this awkward pause in the middle of a heated fight, I love the foreshadowing of Masters demise. This wholesome nut hurdler needs to get it between the eyes, before I claw my own out. However the whole time i'm on edge to see if he will realize he could have spent those few moments RUNNING FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIP! Thank god he doesn't. Time for me to go scrape my teeth on the pavement.
*** Shameless SloMo Jump***
12. I don't believe i've mentioned how many rip offs from the original trilogy there are in this 6 minute spiral into eternity. A LOT is the answer though. Why bastardize scenes that held true emotion and suspense by repeating them in such a way that adds nothing to the story? "HEY GUYS REMEMBER IN STAR WARS WHEN THAT HAPPEN..." Shut the FUCK up. YES we remember, because it was suspenseful. Climbing into the Falcon's auto cannon seats is an endearing memory. I'm almost surprised they didn't add the whole "Don't get cocky..." Wait no I'm sure they would have if they thought of it.
13. 2v1 Fight. Master is whoopin' dat ass fast. If you're watching closely He redirects a force lightning attempt from The sith Master at Malgus. Wow, this guy is beast!... Oh wait... So then he stabs Sith Master and what... He's looking around? Really? YES! WHAT IS HE DOING! Did Malgus force vanish? I hope that's in-game... So i can kill myself. OH wait... there he is... standing... right in front of you... -_____-
14. MALGUS gets pissed. So apparently lightning gives Malgus more power? I don't get it. Maybe he just gets the when people don't recognize how sweet he looks with glowing red sabers illuminating his face. After a few force throws that seem to be right out of Force unleashed 5: Lucas Force's one out... We see that apparently Master Jedi has in-fact become a pushover... and cannot seem to defend against the giant lumbering haymakers of Malgus. He dies and we get to suck that drool back into our face and taste the sweet solace that he will never speak again. What a chump, a minute ago he was wiping the floor, what happened? Writers guild strike? Pension Fund annulment? I blame Lucas' PEN15.
15. I want to skip ahead to the end and bitch about more rip off's from Jedi, most notable would be the Falcon exiting the Death Star just in time... They even add a part where the ship scrapes against some pipes to illustrate that indeed they are dead set on letting us know that they watched the movies too. Eat my crotch.
16. Lastly I want to illustrate how the Jedi Master's death encapsulates the entire trailer, because when he does die, we flash to Satile and... WHAT THE FUCK? I swear it sounds like she's playing a cheap pinball machine, you can hear the flippers just clicking away... As if to say It's all a ruse and we got you good.
Speaking of sound... CHRIST write some new scores. We know it's star wars by the aesthetics, you don't have to pump up the jams with imperial march and shit.
SO...
Come join my front like the bandwagoners you are
or Be stiff with the evidence, while groping Lucas' stiffy
I feel like Martin Luther walking up to the Church of Lucas Christ. ::RollDice::
Watch: http://www.gametrailers.com/video/e3-2011-return-opening-cinematic/714890?xrs=playershare_fb
I had 400 hits in 2 hours and 90 replies. Kids got trolled hard.
Wow I can't believe the hype this trailer is getting, I'm totally impressed with the quantity and quality of the complements it's getting. To bad most of you are hypocrites.
Saying "Wow this is so much better than the prequels." And "They should make a movie."
I was irate yesterday when I first saw it, but now I'm dumbfounded as to how no one else has managed to see what a pile of shit this is.
First off lets define why the prequels sucked, I think most everyone agrees to: Bad acting, terrible plot, flimsy characters, Shameless reliance on CGI to drive the movie. The reason is because I'm about to point out how you are all getting duped into watching the flashy bits while Lucas sneaks up behind you for a quicky.
Lets begin:
First of all, I was hoping for a bit more than Red Dead Republic, but apparently John Marston found a "Spacy Thingy" and glued it to his hat for this futuristic role. What the fuck is that thing anyway?
Ok now on to real plot problems.
We start out immediately with arguably 4 playable character types from the "light" side. Cool. Way to throw us right into the mix, with some rich dialog... Oh wait.
1. Satile senses the dark side first? She doesn't take the lead speaking role, so clearly she doesn't appear to be in charge. If this is the case... Why didn't the first Jedi sense it? Did they just want to give her lines? CHRIST ON A CRACKER this is stupid.(I admit this could be the only part i'm wrong about but i have evidence she is the apprentice.)
-@ 3:30 she calls him "Master"
-She sucks it up during the fight scene
-She's a woman
Clearly (we'll call the other jedi "Master") Master Jedi sucks the big one at detecting disturbances in the force. Something that is mastered with practice and is not inherit.
2. So then it's time for master to redeem himself with the delivery of the news that the sith are back. Wait half a second ago he had no idea what was going on. Now he's suddenly on top of things? Why make him look incompetent in the first place? Jesus.
3. Ok suppose you overlook this small hiccup in the flow of dialogue... No big deal. Right? Don't worry the Trooper never fails to deliver shit sandwiches like this: "We can't out run those fighters!" MY GOD! This man is a master physicist! In under 3 seconds he can determine the max velocity of space crafts JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM! Even more impressive is that no one has seen hide nor hair of the sith for 1k years, so this can't be something he would have learned prior. GET THIS MAN A MEDAL!
4. Adding to my need for a lobotomy, the smug Han sol... Er Smuggler Chimes in with an earth shattering conclusion to rival the award winning physics genius beside him. "YEAH WELL MINES FASTER! " ..... I want to vomit.
So we're 10 seconds in and already i can smell Lucas' love stains all over this.
5. So some stupid shit happens and they're running for Marston's ship when suddenly I hear "Look out!" and I take full awareness of the scene just played out before me. This line is usually delivered right before someone dives in to push someone out of the way of being shot, chuck norris is a fan of this one i believe. So anyway in this scene apparently The binoculars on the smugglers hat allow him to see through walls or some shit and see a grenade coming at the troopers. The funny part is that the grenade is coming from in front of them... What are they to stupid to know what it is? Does he have to say something or else they'll die? How did they become troopers anyway? What a pile.
6. SLOWMO!@ 1:50 really shows off sleek design and polished production of this.... FUCK that Why is he wearing a duster? Dusters were meant to keep your clothes clean on the trail. Does he have a lot of dust and no maid on his ship? Maybe he just thinks it's cool to be a moron? OOOOOOO Spining shot! hope that's an ability in game cause that would be... Terrible.
7. So finally they get to the ship in the hanger and it's fucked apparently... Or wait... maybe not? Smugglers reaction is either 1. Over exasperation commonly wielded by teenage girls. 2. His ship is actually FUBAR. Either way, his next line tells us that there is actually nothing wrong with the ship, and he doesn't mind getting it scuffed up when he needs too. Bioware you have failed me for the last time.
8. Next we see the smuggler on board the ship running for the bridge to Get the F out. We learned earlier that his ship has been impounded and he's under arrest for smuggling. WHY then are his droids still on board going about routine maintenance? Ready at a moments notice to arm the ships weapons systems? Far to trusting, the Republic has become.
I'm getting way to tired to point out every moment of cheese in the 2v2 Saber fight
HOWEVER!
9.The saber throw in the middle of the fight? REALLY!? What if Malgus doesn't duck? WOOPS!.... wait... what the... JESUS IN A HOUSE DRESS! Malgus can be seen waiting for the saber to RETURN!!!... WHAT?! Is it common courtesy not to stab someone when their saber is BRB status? KILL HIM YOU NANCY! BTW Satile is horrible, so is every other female Jedi... EVER!
10.@3:20 Sith master Force lightnings the side of the Smugglers ship in desperation apparently? Camera pans... TROOPER IN THE OPEN!? WTF? why didn't he hit that smug fuck? jesus is he blind? Then the trooper shoots him? OMG NO he didn't... Then both sith just stand there? WHAT! I swear to god I will reach into the internet to break that troopers neck myself.
11. 3:28 Break time. Get some coffee and 'couragement. As much as I hate seeing this awkward pause in the middle of a heated fight, I love the foreshadowing of Masters demise. This wholesome nut hurdler needs to get it between the eyes, before I claw my own out. However the whole time i'm on edge to see if he will realize he could have spent those few moments RUNNING FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIP! Thank god he doesn't. Time for me to go scrape my teeth on the pavement.
*** Shameless SloMo Jump***
12. I don't believe i've mentioned how many rip offs from the original trilogy there are in this 6 minute spiral into eternity. A LOT is the answer though. Why bastardize scenes that held true emotion and suspense by repeating them in such a way that adds nothing to the story? "HEY GUYS REMEMBER IN STAR WARS WHEN THAT HAPPEN..." Shut the FUCK up. YES we remember, because it was suspenseful. Climbing into the Falcon's auto cannon seats is an endearing memory. I'm almost surprised they didn't add the whole "Don't get cocky..." Wait no I'm sure they would have if they thought of it.
13. 2v1 Fight. Master is whoopin' dat ass fast. If you're watching closely He redirects a force lightning attempt from The sith Master at Malgus. Wow, this guy is beast!... Oh wait... So then he stabs Sith Master and what... He's looking around? Really? YES! WHAT IS HE DOING! Did Malgus force vanish? I hope that's in-game... So i can kill myself. OH wait... there he is... standing... right in front of you... -_____-
14. MALGUS gets pissed. So apparently lightning gives Malgus more power? I don't get it. Maybe he just gets the when people don't recognize how sweet he looks with glowing red sabers illuminating his face. After a few force throws that seem to be right out of Force unleashed 5: Lucas Force's one out... We see that apparently Master Jedi has in-fact become a pushover... and cannot seem to defend against the giant lumbering haymakers of Malgus. He dies and we get to suck that drool back into our face and taste the sweet solace that he will never speak again. What a chump, a minute ago he was wiping the floor, what happened? Writers guild strike? Pension Fund annulment? I blame Lucas' PEN15.
15. I want to skip ahead to the end and bitch about more rip off's from Jedi, most notable would be the Falcon exiting the Death Star just in time... They even add a part where the ship scrapes against some pipes to illustrate that indeed they are dead set on letting us know that they watched the movies too. Eat my crotch.
16. Lastly I want to illustrate how the Jedi Master's death encapsulates the entire trailer, because when he does die, we flash to Satile and... WHAT THE FUCK? I swear it sounds like she's playing a cheap pinball machine, you can hear the flippers just clicking away... As if to say It's all a ruse and we got you good.
Speaking of sound... CHRIST write some new scores. We know it's star wars by the aesthetics, you don't have to pump up the jams with imperial march and shit.
SO...
Come join my front like the bandwagoners you are
or Be stiff with the evidence, while groping Lucas' stiffy
I feel like Martin Luther walking up to the Church of Lucas Christ. ::RollDice::