Mr. Furious's Brush With THE MOB — TWL Forum Archive

2008-04-02 21:27

For those who know me, I'm a relatively young guy. I'm far too young for a mid-life crisis, but old enough to have four kids, a mortgage, and "responsibilities." Perhaps I'd be a good candidate for a quarter life crisis.

This past summer, it became painfully obvious that my 2002 Impala wasn't going to fit my latest addition to the family. Apparently the modern car seat is equipped to have its own crumple zones and airbags because they take up more room than does a full sized adult (think Chris Farley sized).

Farley and a child safety seat for comparison.

The required space for two adults, four children with car seats, strollers, and diaper bags (plus whatever you're going out to buy) made the list of vehicles that could support my crew fairly short. Plus, it'd be nice to be able to take some additional passengers if I need to.

The first upgrade took place last summer. Rather than get rid of my Impala, I sold the last vestiges of my college career, a 1998 Saturn SL2 with about 130,000 miles.

My ex, a college, commuter car

The new vehicle was what I referred to as the "tactical troop transport" or a 2004 Chevrolet Suburban.

Okay, maybe not as cool as this one, but ultimately more practical with the onboard DVD entertainment system for the rugrats...

Since the Suburban is technically my wife's car (I commute to work), I began to get the itch for a new vehicle. It didn't have to be entirely practical because I didn't exactly have to worry about fitting the kids in the car. This meant that my new vehicle was only constrained by my ability to purchase it and drive it year round (I don't have the finances to drive a summer and winter car). Aside from that, I have allowed my fancy to go wild.

If there is something you must know about me, it's that I love new cars even used, new cars. I love shopping for them, test driving them, examining the options, and even checking out the brochures. I especially love the "new car scent." I've even been known to smoke the tires on a test drive while a terrified salesman sits glued to any handholds.

You won't be picking up chicks
in this bad boy...

As much as I love trucks, I have set my heart on a car that is fast and has some character. I want something that says, "Hey, isn't that Mr. Furious?" and not in the same deriding way I received when I drove a 1987 Toyota Corolla hatchback (the stereo system exceeded the cost of the vehicle).

I wanted something that was fun to drive and let me enjoy life as only 0-60 in less than 6 seconds could. This new set of requirements has allowed me to run through various auction sites and used car buying sites with the amount of determination not seen since one of my toddlers discovered "fruit snacks."

Quick fact about fruit snacks: I'm fairly certain that they don't contain anything but fruit flavored sugar, but my kid can down a package in less than 32 seconds. I timed her when she was unaware. The lack of anything healthy in them pretty much makes me a horrible parent, but I still feel better about that than when I feed her chicken McNuggets and ice cream for lunch when mommy isn't home. I'm working on becoming the popular parent.

So, this past weekend I discovered an advertisement for a 2005 Black Raven Cadillac CTS-V with a 400HP motor. The pictures looked immaculate and the price was outstanding! It's been likened to a tuxedo clad bouncer by Motor Trend magazine and it deserves the reputation. My thoughts suddenly became consumed with the idea of tearing around town in this stealthy black monster.

I'm still drooling over that car...

Grunting like Tim Taylor, I called the dealership. No one answered. I eventually got dumped into voicemail, which sounded suspiciously like a cell phone.

"Hey, this is Guido, leaves me a message."

"Uh, hi Guido, this is Mr. Furious. I'm calling about an advertisement you have concerning a 2005 Black Raven CTS-V. Would you call me back? You can reach me at..."

Hours ticked by and no return call. I figured that Friday was likely one of their busiest days so I just had to be patient. By Saturday morning, I had convinced myself to drive out to their dealership and take the car for a test drive sans return phone call. The asking price was quite a bit below book and significantly below what anyone else was asking for a comparable model.

After spending about 30 minutes driving around, I finally found "the dealership" in the industrial park nestled behind a fairly run down grocery store. To call it a dealership would be quite generous. It looked like just a rental space in a one floor office strip mall. The logo was emblazoned on the door as I pulled up. I looked around the parking lot. A few cars were parked there, but nothing that would match the description of the vehicle. There were a few high value cars that sat near the door, but they didn't appear to be for sale. They seemed out of place for the area.

I suggested my wife stay in the truck while I checked out the place. I stepped out and became aware of a man watching me as I proceeded towards the building. He was a heavy set man with an unkempt appearance and a disconcerting interest in my presence. I entered the office and mentally noted three vehicles sitting in a tiny office space. Near the window were two cheap desks with two men sitting at them. They were on their cell phones while three other men were standing around chatting. No other office furniture was present and the walls were Spartan. There was no literature, no advertisements, and nothing to indicate that it was a dealership other than the logo on the door and the three cars.

The door closed behind me and the men stopped talking. Their gaze left me with the distinct impression I was intruding on something and should probably get going. They were all dressed about the same, in nice business attire that didn't match their surroundings. After a somewhat awkward silence, one of the men ventured, "Can I help yous?"

"Uh... yeah, I called and left a message about a Cadillac CTS-V that you had advertised."

One of the guys at the desk, still on his phone, said, "It's on its way to Washington state."

I was definitely getting the impression I wasn't welcome since none of them ventured an alternative. Silence once again settled on me like the chill of a fall evening.

I broke the silence again with a quick reply: "Okay, well then, that's all I was interested in."

They said nothing as I left. I felt their eyes boring into my back as I opened the door to leave. I felt relief wash over me as I turned the key to the truck. As we were pulling away, my wife asked, "Was it there? What was that place?"

"Honey, it was just a mafia front business and we'd best just get going before they decide I know too much."

The puzzled look on her face made the (lack of) adventure worth it all.

However, that leaves me with a conundrum. I've done a lot of looking around for the past couple of weeks. I've driven everything from Beamers to Infinitis. I'm fairly agnostic when it comes to car brands. I'm open to all suggestions.

My goals are a vehicle under $30,000 (US), under 50k miles, and no older than six years. It does have to be drivable year round, so that cuts out a lot of the top end sports cars, but I believe there are plenty of vehicles that'll fit the bill. I'm a fan for performance, but I do like a little bit of refinement too. A little bit of flash is good and the ability to customize the in-car audio is a must.

Any suggestions?

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Post edited by Mr Furious at 4/4/2008 1:13:29 PM