Mr. Furious Considers Retirement
With a lot of great players leaving AA, I started debating whether or not I should seek a job with the Federal government and retire from my high paying position as TWL lead AA writer. After all, one can only handle so many Ferrari's, adoring fans, and legions of female groupies. In contrast, the Federal government still has a lot to offer. You see, they tend to get great deals - crazy holidays, insane benefits, almost no work, and they have to practically try and get fired. So theyve got pretty good job security and nice benefits. Plus, I'll get to sit on my ass all day pretending I do something important - a lot like former TWL Admin, Rodimus.
I spent the afternoon looking at openings in different governmental agencies, but really couldnt find the one that suited me. So eventually I started looking at FEMA. In case youre unaware, theyre the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Theyre basically the people called in when a national emergency occurs (terrorist attacks, natural disasters, etc). I decided that I could do that.
Dashing picture of Agent Furious?
So I visited their site and set about looking at the different things they were equipped to handle. After a while of poking around, I struck pay dirt. FEMAs job is to prepare for national disasters. However, they had missed a critical possibility. Zombies. Thats right they totally missed it. I did a search, and their site responded:
So I tried a variety of things all centering around the undead. Nothing.
Well, it seems obvious to me that FEMA needs someone who can think outside the box. I mean come on, whose running that place? Their job is to be prepared!
Having now seen Dawn of the Dead and also, Shaun of the Dead, Im pretty much an expert on zombie invasions. I even had a former boss here at TWL named Zombee.
Typical fast moving undead zombie hoard coming to kick your ass
So, in preparation for my acceptance into FEMA, I am releasing into the public domain a document with my strategy for defeating the swarms of zombies. Now please understand, this is not the complete work - I may have to release that in another article. This is just the opening salvo.
Mr. Furiouss Guide to ICEM
ICEM is the process I have developed for defeating the unholy undead. I developed it while spreading a little butter on a muffin I had the other morning for breakfast.
Identification Identify your troubled areas. Find the sources of this scourge so we can effectively fight it.
Containment Contain the zombies in an area by setting up perimeters. In the event that zombie menace is too large to contain in a quarantine zone, create a safe zone. Note: Safe zones should be locations that protect the populace from zombie invaders and have miniature quarantine areas for observation of incoming refugees and sufficient food and medicine for an extended siege.
Elimination Elimination is the removal of zombies through action or inaction of an organized fighting force. We cant rely on civilians who brazenly run around in skimpy undergarments to defeat these creatures, so youd better be part of strong fighting force. Elimination of zombies can be either through direct conflict, or through waiting them out. Based on their exposure to the ZM (zombie mutagen), theyll have different rates of decay. At some point, their decaying flesh will no longer be able to support movement. At this point, it will be somewhat safe for authorized personnel to begin removal of the corpses (carefully beheading and then burning zombies).
Managment Management primarily centers around managing the living. During times like these you're likely to have people in a desperate panic and others (like TWL AA Admin Mako) stealing television sets or bathroom appliances (M@ko still owes me like $2 - so I know if the world broke down, he'd be out stealing cars, televisions, and Logitech Mice). Your primary task will be to restore order, separate the public from the zombies, and create your quarantine or safe zones. During the initial strike the populace will likely be overrun with zombies and ZM will spread like wildfire. Make safe zones known ahead of time with the proper procedures to enter and be cleared.
Know Thy Enemy
Zombies are a hell of a lot faster than we gave them credit for. They dont necessarily lumber around and moan in time with each other. So, you have to know how to defeat them.
A zombies primary goal is to bite you and eat you. ZM (zombie mutagen) is transmitted only through their bite, so you dont need to worry about coming into contact with their blood. This gives you great freedom to wield virtually any weapon for close quarter combat and get that great Im wearing a zombie look. No hero looks complete without wearing a zombies blood.
Note the impressive blood spray on this heros shirt
I personally recommend a shotgun because of the reduced requirement for accuracy. Essentially, your goal is to try and remove their head while dodging their bites.
Avoiding the bites should be your primary concern. Zombies arent smart, but they can identify non-zombies within a fairly decent radius (infrared or smell?). They act like pack animals once they have spotted someone. Hoards will run after you and attempt to nibble on your knickers. If you will be in contact with these creatures, I find it best to wear some sort of armor. I believe the Star Wars geeks have got it right. Stormtrooper armor may be about the most perfect armor for combat.
Like this Avoid this
Stormtrooper armor is light plastic armor with a giant codpiece (its important to protect your unit well need to repopulate the species). Underneath the plastic is a rubberized layer that is light and flexible but provides protection from impact and bites. It covers the entire body leaving nothing that can be bitten or gnawed on. Modern materials could make our zombie killing machines virtually impervious to assault. Armed with the latest in assault shotguns, our troops could eliminate streets of zombies without fear of infection. Star Wars fanatics may prefer to use blasters or lightsabers, but I highly recommend a shotgun. In the event that stormtrooper armor is unavailable, you may need to go for redneck armor. You would shave your extremities and wrap them in duct tape. Then, wear a heavy leather jacket, leather pants, boots, and gloves. To complete the ensemble, a motorcycle helmet (with duct tape around your neck) would be worn. Im assuming that such individuals would be able to supply their own scattergun and BBs.
If all else fails, we can just hole-up and wait for them to decompose enough that we can go outside again.
Well, this is just a rough draft and Im rapidly losing my readers, so Ill continue my zombie elimination plans in another thread. Until then, stock up on canned food, batteries, duct tape, propane, bottled water, ammunition, and guns. The zombies are coming and Ill be damned if they make it through on my watch.
Post edited by Mr Furious at 2/8/2006 8:36:44 PM
With a lot of great players leaving AA, I started debating whether or not I should seek a job with the Federal government and retire from my high paying position as TWL lead AA writer. After all, one can only handle so many Ferrari's, adoring fans, and legions of female groupies. In contrast, the Federal government still has a lot to offer. You see, they tend to get great deals - crazy holidays, insane benefits, almost no work, and they have to practically try and get fired. So theyve got pretty good job security and nice benefits. Plus, I'll get to sit on my ass all day pretending I do something important - a lot like former TWL Admin, Rodimus.
I spent the afternoon looking at openings in different governmental agencies, but really couldnt find the one that suited me. So eventually I started looking at FEMA. In case youre unaware, theyre the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Theyre basically the people called in when a national emergency occurs (terrorist attacks, natural disasters, etc). I decided that I could do that.
Dashing picture of Agent Furious?
So I visited their site and set about looking at the different things they were equipped to handle. After a while of poking around, I struck pay dirt. FEMAs job is to prepare for national disasters. However, they had missed a critical possibility. Zombies. Thats right they totally missed it. I did a search, and their site responded:
Originally posted by: FEMA
Your search zombies - did not match any documents.
No pages were found containing zombies.
Suggestions:
- Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
- Try different keywords.
- Try more general keywords
So I tried a variety of things all centering around the undead. Nothing.
Well, it seems obvious to me that FEMA needs someone who can think outside the box. I mean come on, whose running that place? Their job is to be prepared!
Having now seen Dawn of the Dead and also, Shaun of the Dead, Im pretty much an expert on zombie invasions. I even had a former boss here at TWL named Zombee.
Typical fast moving undead zombie hoard coming to kick your ass
So, in preparation for my acceptance into FEMA, I am releasing into the public domain a document with my strategy for defeating the swarms of zombies. Now please understand, this is not the complete work - I may have to release that in another article. This is just the opening salvo.
Mr. Furiouss Guide to ICEM
ICEM is the process I have developed for defeating the unholy undead. I developed it while spreading a little butter on a muffin I had the other morning for breakfast.
Identification Identify your troubled areas. Find the sources of this scourge so we can effectively fight it.
Containment Contain the zombies in an area by setting up perimeters. In the event that zombie menace is too large to contain in a quarantine zone, create a safe zone. Note: Safe zones should be locations that protect the populace from zombie invaders and have miniature quarantine areas for observation of incoming refugees and sufficient food and medicine for an extended siege.
Elimination Elimination is the removal of zombies through action or inaction of an organized fighting force. We cant rely on civilians who brazenly run around in skimpy undergarments to defeat these creatures, so youd better be part of strong fighting force. Elimination of zombies can be either through direct conflict, or through waiting them out. Based on their exposure to the ZM (zombie mutagen), theyll have different rates of decay. At some point, their decaying flesh will no longer be able to support movement. At this point, it will be somewhat safe for authorized personnel to begin removal of the corpses (carefully beheading and then burning zombies).
Managment Management primarily centers around managing the living. During times like these you're likely to have people in a desperate panic and others (like TWL AA Admin Mako) stealing television sets or bathroom appliances (M@ko still owes me like $2 - so I know if the world broke down, he'd be out stealing cars, televisions, and Logitech Mice). Your primary task will be to restore order, separate the public from the zombies, and create your quarantine or safe zones. During the initial strike the populace will likely be overrun with zombies and ZM will spread like wildfire. Make safe zones known ahead of time with the proper procedures to enter and be cleared.
Know Thy Enemy
Zombies are a hell of a lot faster than we gave them credit for. They dont necessarily lumber around and moan in time with each other. So, you have to know how to defeat them.
A zombies primary goal is to bite you and eat you. ZM (zombie mutagen) is transmitted only through their bite, so you dont need to worry about coming into contact with their blood. This gives you great freedom to wield virtually any weapon for close quarter combat and get that great Im wearing a zombie look. No hero looks complete without wearing a zombies blood.
Note the impressive blood spray on this heros shirt
I personally recommend a shotgun because of the reduced requirement for accuracy. Essentially, your goal is to try and remove their head while dodging their bites.
Avoiding the bites should be your primary concern. Zombies arent smart, but they can identify non-zombies within a fairly decent radius (infrared or smell?). They act like pack animals once they have spotted someone. Hoards will run after you and attempt to nibble on your knickers. If you will be in contact with these creatures, I find it best to wear some sort of armor. I believe the Star Wars geeks have got it right. Stormtrooper armor may be about the most perfect armor for combat.
Like this Avoid this
Stormtrooper armor is light plastic armor with a giant codpiece (its important to protect your unit well need to repopulate the species). Underneath the plastic is a rubberized layer that is light and flexible but provides protection from impact and bites. It covers the entire body leaving nothing that can be bitten or gnawed on. Modern materials could make our zombie killing machines virtually impervious to assault. Armed with the latest in assault shotguns, our troops could eliminate streets of zombies without fear of infection. Star Wars fanatics may prefer to use blasters or lightsabers, but I highly recommend a shotgun. In the event that stormtrooper armor is unavailable, you may need to go for redneck armor. You would shave your extremities and wrap them in duct tape. Then, wear a heavy leather jacket, leather pants, boots, and gloves. To complete the ensemble, a motorcycle helmet (with duct tape around your neck) would be worn. Im assuming that such individuals would be able to supply their own scattergun and BBs.
If all else fails, we can just hole-up and wait for them to decompose enough that we can go outside again.
Well, this is just a rough draft and Im rapidly losing my readers, so Ill continue my zombie elimination plans in another thread. Until then, stock up on canned food, batteries, duct tape, propane, bottled water, ammunition, and guns. The zombies are coming and Ill be damned if they make it through on my watch.
Post edited by Mr Furious at 2/8/2006 8:36:44 PM